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      The funeral was today . I was expected to show up in front of all those people , cry and look sad while listening to all of them say the same thing over and over , "I'm so sorry for your loss". Sincerely I was not sad , I did not feel like crying and I was not sad . I was angry.
   Is that bad ? I don't care anyway. I am angry at her and angry at God. My sister said it was a stage of grief , screw that I said , I had not gone through any other stage. Why was I angry ? Because We made a promise to each other on our wedding day , we said we were gonna be together forever , this was not forever. We were gonna work hard , have a family , grow old together, then retire and just spend the every moment together. We had a freaking plan, but she gave up. She gave up on our dreams and I think I deserve to be angry.
   When we found out about the cancer , we promised each other we would fight , that whatever it took we were gonna win this thing , we were gonna fight for our dreams . Then two months ago she decides she can't fight anymore , she said if she was gonna die she wanted to go on her own terms and I was supposed to support her , she expected me to be fine with that decision . She said she was doing it for me , that her cancer as she called it was taking over our lives and that we had lost enough already, she said she wanted to remember us good and not the way we were now. Bullshit. She said we have given up too much to the cancer , that  it was killing me too. She said I had lost myself in this fight too and it hurt her to do that to me. She wanted me to be free. She said she was ready to go and I needed to let her. Well I was not ready.
       People say to me " she was a so strong and brave to make a decision like that ".You know what I think. I think she was SELFISH and a coward . Thinking of herself alone and a coward for not wanting to fight. How dare she make that decision for us , no she was not thinking of me , she was not thinking of how i'd survive . I was in love with her for God's sake. I was ready to fight to do whatever to make sure we had our happily ever after. I resent her for giving up, I begged her not to. I MISS HER.  


      Don't even get me started on Him. Boy am I mad at Him. The pastor said somethings like " It was Her time "   or " God Has a plan" and most painful " She is in a better place" . I mean was that supposed to make me feel better ? Did not Work.
   You know she was the one that got me to go to church. She said her relationship with God kept her strong , and knowing that he was there for her always made her happy.She went on and on about how much he loved her. Well I guess she was wrong. 
   If he loved her so much , why didn't he change her mind , why didn't he stop her from ordering the pills. Why did He allow her to make that decision  and how dare he decide it was time for the woman I love to go, I was not ready , I was not done loving her. Why didn't he cure her . I thought he was always there.   

            I AM PISSED !!!!!!!!


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